Jambi

JAMBI NR. ONE. 

Directly inspired by that album cover from TOOL. The album that has Jambi in it. I think it's called 10 000 hours. Or days. I love the start of jambi. Great song. Parabola though has a start that breaks the peace even more. 

I like tool. One of those radio songs I'd hear growing up. So I liked most of their known songs. 

Growing up I always sat backseat left. My mom was in charge of the radio while my dad drove. Her system was very simple, there essentially was only one button on the radio; the next channel button. 

So we'd be driving listening to Nelly Furtado until it switches to Toms diner. I actually think my mom was okay with Toms diner. But my dad and I hated it, and after listening through the whole song one time we made it very clear that this song is NOT IT! 

NO TOMS DINER. 

We were navigating through some school traffic where everyone ends up backing the whole street up trying to get into the parking lot. Some kids just got out of the car so their parents can turn around and skip the traffic. But my parents had to go through anyways, so we're sitting there focused on all the chaos happening that we all kind of checked out to what we were listening to. We were on the Blend, channel 16.  Throughout this chaos something was nagging me, this feeling suddenly ramped up and I could feel it wasn't just me, but we were all focused on what's happening outside the car. It was toms Diner. "Hey can we change the song please?" To which my dad realized it was toms diner that was playing "O yes please change this song" My mom switched the channel and suddenly the fog was gone. From then on, no toms diner. 

My dad and I agreed it might be one of the worst songs out there. I'm pretty sure my mom was okay with it, neutral standpoint. 

I liked how my mom would just change the channel in one direction leading us through the whole entirety of Sirius XMs channels. I think it worked so well because my parents like all kinds of different genres. Growing up I didn't realize that this was unlike the other experiences the kids around me had going to school with their parents. Everyone is different.

Most kids seemed to only know one channel, Hits One, the very first channel on Sirius XM. 

A friend of mine had parents who only listened to christian music, and he once asked me how I know of the music I listen to. I said it sounded similar to something else. "But how did you know that?" "It was a radio song!" 

What is a radio song? 

I often refer to radio songs as all the songs I heard growing up. It's thousands, they are stored in my head, sometimes just fragments of the song, but never the title. I know all these songs. But I don't know the name. I'll be hanging out with people and they might play a radio song, everyone knows it, I do too! But I also don't. And I spend the time remembering it from where I was sitting in the car. "Phil! You don't know this song?" "No no I do, I just don't know the name". "So you don't know the song".

I asked my christian channel friend how he knows any of the music he knows. He said it was mostly through his friends. He only just started listening to his own music he said. 

I realized that my parents basically had given me a strong foundation in music. I love music. I always wanted to put my energy in a song. But that's not my world. I make different art. I'll always be a little envious of the people I'm listening to. 

My mom also had a playlist with thousands of songs that explains their music taste the best. I'm pretty sure it's every single song they have ever liked. I love that playlist. Every time they had guests over they would organize the house a little bit and honestly, make it look entirely different. While preparing the food and everything that playlist is what they would play, every single time, never anything else. I actually had to do some digging to find this playlist, I found it, I'm listening to it right now. 

They love the night before christmas, they have some of their songs on here. I totally forgot. Now Home by Phillip phillips is playing, I actually don't like this song. 

That's how music has always been around in my life. If it's not playing I'm singing it to myself. 

Then at some point music kind of became my shield. From the world. If things were bad outside I'd go hide in my room or my car and queue some songs. Of course I'd never really be safe because it's just a sound barrier. My door was not a sufficient barrier. It had no locks! So if someone was trying to get in I'd have to sit there with all my strength keeping it shut.

2 against one I always won. 

But remember what I wrote about Flo? How you can't just stop existing for a quick moment then return to the world again once I'm ready? This was just gonna have to do. If the music covered the sounds of me breathing and walking in my room it's as if I wasn't there. Kind of a shield.

When the house was quiet. It was real quiet. You could hear everything. It was paralyzing. It used to take me some serious strength to get out of whatever position I found myself in and do something. Maybe I'm just laying in my bed locked down mentally. I'd be sitting there listening to everything, I couldn't do anything else. I wasn't exaggerating about the sounds of breathing you could hear. I'd be there, stuck, hearing the disappointed sighs. Each one hurt a little less than the last. 

You get used to it. 

That silence hurt. 

Sometimes I'd gather enough strength to move myself from my found position, let's say I was sitting at my door on the ground. Then I would gather enough strength to move past this and start by standing up. But it was so silent. And that motion of me getting up caused so many different sounds it was terrible. I caused some creaking in the wooden floor, my pants made a folding sound, I sniffled once I stood up. This is now 30 minutes from the beginning of the silent period. Now I'm standing finally, replaying the last 30 seconds over and over again realizing that they definitely heard me. I don't know what it was. After standing there for another 10 minutes evaluating whether or not I should've just staying sitting I might go move to the bed instead. We can draw in a couple minutes. I feel weak right now anyways. I like to draw when I'm feeling good.

 It felt like I wasn't allowed to exist during the silent periods. So I'd be trying to do anything as silently as possible. I'd make the decision to draw something, do something at least. It would take me half an hour basically, just to grab my materials. Every step I take, has to be flawless, that's a minute by itself. That's because my room was basically an art installation, very delicate. I'd have to grab a sketch book and a pen through the whole mess without making a noise. Not an easy task.

One time something fell. And that gave me the wake up call to give up on this silly task. I mean, I already fucked up, no point in continuing hiding. The first thing I did was turn my speaker on. It was loud. It was so loud. The thing fell, I messed up there, but that didn't mean the silence was all of a sudden done. So when I went to my speaker, turned it on, and it made that Biro Ching sound. It was so loud. I think I must've sat there a for 10 minutes with my phone and speaker connected but no songs being played. I found the perfect song to play. I forget which one it was. I always have a perfect new song to play every other week. Then I sat there for another hour. Listening to the house listen to my music. Although they were listening to something coming from my room, I was okay with it. I felt somewhat safer. Not so alone. Once again paralyzed, but with less weight on top of me. 

The best sounds during the silent periods were my dogs shuffling through the house. I loved it. It was a neutral sound. Everyone loves the dogs. They move through the house creating a shield, a quick moment for me to get up and make some noise myself, fully excused because the dogs were also making noise. Everyone loves the dogs. 

Bogs n' chogs. 

I was supposed to play music so I could finally go get my sketch book and pen without being afraid of making so much noise. 

Before I had the balls to play songs on the speaker I would be listening to what the house hears. I'd have my pen and paper out, and every line I did, made so much noise. I couldn't do anything. Everything was so loud. 

Worst scenarios are when my supplies are outside. In my room I have no space to work, so usually I'd be sketching on the kitchen counter when my parents aren't home. But I can't possible go get those now. That always sucked. I've exiled myself to my room. 

At some point I moved on from my fear of playing music for everyone, I stopped making sure that every song I play is a good one for everyone, isn't too energetic, isn't too sad, I just played what I wanted to as long as it wasn't too much. Now I had my speaker on at all times. So I never had to go through the incredibly loud process of turning it one and picking what song is good to play that I haven't played before. With it always on the shield was always there. Only off if I were to be seen. But even then it's okay because I have the background music backing me up, it gives me order, some beat the background to follow while I face my day. 

Long live my JBLs. 

My song recommendation right now at this moment is: 

"Sweet power of your embrace" 

I love that song so much. That one, while it might be playing in the background, is somehow always with me, it's very repetitive and on some random part they just start singing, and somehow, even if I wasn't listening at all and I was in a conversation the whole time, I'll just start singing right when they do.